New Year, New Me

What a cliche! 'New Year, New Me' - A sentence that carries so much expectation, when in reality are impossible to fulfill. Yet year after year we say the same exact things...

- I'm going to start exercising more

-I'm going to start eating healthy

-I'm going to drink more water

-I'm going to be more organized

-I'm going to start saving money.

Now all the above are easy to do, under one condition. You have to really want this change and be acceptable to the changes that have to occur in your everyday way of living - this is where the challenge come and but by February 70% of us will have lacked motivation and gave up.

Now what is my point to this blog? I'm not quite sure myself if i'm honest.

Let's just say 2016 was a rough year for me, a really rough one! (disclaimer- this is not looking for sympathy but for self justification of the stuff i have done, in retaliation to such a hard year.)

The beginning of the year started off with a broken heart that took me several months to heal, it was followed by the stress of 'Independence' and 'too much freedom' as i had no immediate parental guidance and was often alone, then topped off the stress of school, a part time job and all the house chores. This resulted in many nights of crying myself to sleep and having horrible thoughts. I was depressed.

Yes, i have a lot a friends but i was still so lonely. I had no one to talk about my day with and no one to eat dinner with, except for the odd occasion. I couldn't talk to family as i would be a burden and make them give up their happiness/dreams for my self needs. So i put a smile on my face and continued on like nothing ever bothered me, yes i had a few meltdowns where i just couldn't keep anymore in but it never did justest to the pain inside, it was just too much. I stared to become more reckless and have done things i regret and in the process have hurt people i love. Although in saying that i would do most of it again as i have begun the process of really finding myself, the person that was so lost before. But i would think more about how it would effect the people around me.

My biggest fears in life are trust and disappointment. There is nothing worse than lying in bed knowing that a relationship will never be the same again because of the broken trust and disappointment you have bought upon one of your loved ones. Sadly i felt this a lot due to my behavior and will always live with the guilt.

I guess my point to this is self redemption, acceptance of personal growth and a hidden apology to all whom i have hurt or broken trust with. I also wanted to point out the fact that you don't need a new year to change, but a real want to change and until then you will not succeed. I would also like to say that it is okay to lose your self and make mistakes as long as you work on fixing them and make personal changes to become the person you want to be again. I look back now and can't believe how much i have changed for better and for worse, i am no longer innocent yet full of sin ready to be redeemed.

I wish you all the best for this year and hope to be writing a lot more! I hope you all take some time to figure out who you really are and who you want to be, i'm going to warn you it won't be easy and you will do things you regret but hey that's life. We all human and all make the same nasty mistakes in our lifetime. Self finding is a long process and won't really start until you come to a point in life, where you no longer know who you are and hate the person you becoming but that's okay as long as you strive for only doing good and live up to your consequences.

I am still in the process of finding myself and have a lot of mistakes ahead of me, but i'm going to try my very best to not hurt anyone else, and really just do me this year. Thank you for all of you, who still play a part in my life. I am so grateful and just want you to know i'm sorry if i ever did hurt you.

-Tara xoxo