Death.

Death. What is it? Yes we all know the meaning but not all understand the feeling, and you won't untill you have really experienced with it someone who means the world to you. Death. It's the most natural  part of life along with birth, yet it's the thing that many of us fear the most. But why?  for me It's the uncertainty. It's the unknown. It's the after effects that are the hardest and scare me the most. It's the thought of never hearing their voice again, not having another hug and not  being able to share another tear or laugh. It's the thought that the only thing you have of them is the memories and new ones won't be created. It's not knowing where they are anymore, that I fear. It's if they know I miss them or if they can see what I am/have accomplished. It's the one thing that hurts the most life. It's the type of pain that's both physical and emotional.  It can make your chest burn, your heart break and your head ache. All while a gush of water gather up In the corner of your eyes, a lump forms In your throat and your lips start to quiver. You will  use all your strength to keep that tear from falling because you know once that one little drop escapes then there will be flood. 

Ever since my Grandpa passed it feels like my whole life has come to a endless rut of misfortune and hurt.  I never knew that it was possible to miss someone so much or to long for their presents. The last couple of days I have been so angry and upset. I've tried to get up and do stuff like go to gym and hang out with friends to keep my mind preoccupied, but the minute I am alone I crawl up in a ball and just sit there. I know I have work to do and things need to get done but i am just so unmotivated and couldn't care less, I know this is the wrong attitude to have and trust me i have tried so hard to change and some days are better than others but i'm getting to the point where I just don't know what to do. I am constantly living in fear of getting another call that someone else close to me has been in an accident or is really sick. I lost 3 family members in 9 months and if i'm honest i am not ready to lose someone else and I don't think i ever will. It's been 5 months and i'm still having bad dreams that keep me up at night because i  am so scared of others passing and that's all that seems to be on my mind. 

I think the only thing left for me to do is embrace myself wollow until time pushes forward and heals the pain a bit more, but at the same time life is what you make of it so i'm going to keep hustling, working hard and pushing through the bad times to the best of my ability and let life take its course and see what happens. I know its cliche but I believe its true that after every rain comes the sun and good things come to those who wait so that's just what i'm going to do as i push to achieve my goals and try help make somebody's day a little brighter as I go along. 

Keep your heads up high, and always push yourself to be a better you!

-Tara xoxox